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Following the trial for what has been universally accepted by all right thinking human beings everywhere as "easily the most sickeningly grotesque crime of all time", an Essex "man" was quite rightly killed in the worst way anyone could think of yesterday. As jurors wept uncontrollably, openly contemplated suicide or were just torrentially physically sick for hours on end into a vast quivering communal puke mountain steadily growing on the courtroom floor, Chief Justice Sir Wilson Prance EBE forced back righteous tears of rage to describe how the "defendant", Daniel O'Shelves, manager of a pre-packaged sandwich company based in Chelmsford, systematically and with malice afore thought, developed a pre-packed "sandwich", ostensibly for the consumption of humans, which did not contain a single solitary trace of the blessed and sacred mayonnaise which, as every schoolchild knows, is an integral and mandatory ingredient of all such bread-oriented foodstuffs. O'Shelves, who represented himself as no defence lawyer would stoop low enough to speak for him, told the court that mayonnaise had not been included in the "sandwich" as it contained strawberry jam, and that adding mayonnaise would be "silly". Following cries of "Blasphemy" and "that's what the Nazis said", Chief Justice Prance told O'Shelves that his "defence" was "an affront to humanity" and expressed the hope that all those affected by his actions may one day recover enough to be able to live almost-normal lives. The police officer who first discovered the atrocity, WPC Meredith Staunch, was too traumatised to appear in court, although a fellow officer was in attendence to give the following brief statement: "Nothing ever upset Meredith", he told the court, "She's seen people shred toddlers and rape the gore, and half an hour later she'd be down the pub laughing about it, but this sick fuck just pushed the envelope too far. I don't think she'll ever recover. Never." Chief Justice Prance took only 2.6 seconds to find O'Shelves guilty of Aggrevated High Treason Against Humanity, and sentenced him to be immediately executed with a specially developed new type of nerve gas, which would make him weep blood-red tears of crimson agony from his stinking far-too-close-together eyes until his worthless reprehensible carcass lay brittle and expunged on the gas-chamber floor, prior to it being dragged through the streets with a ten foot barge pole, pissed on, burnt, and buried in a stinking shitheap orders of magnitude better than the reprehensible rat-fucking bastard could ever deserve in an heptillion years of cheese-grater-and-gasoline oriented purgery. |
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