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Songs about wizards and shit like that, Tales from the gloopy minstrel, Knights and castles and stuff. "There was this Princess, right, and she lived in this castle. (This is in the olden days). Anyway, she was really beautiful, and there was this dragon in a cave, and it kidnapped her, and this Prince fancied her, so he killed the dragon and rescued her, and that's it." "There was this bloke, right, who pulled this sword out of this rock. And he became King Arthur, because that was his name. Well, not King Arthur, just Arthur. But when he pulled the sword out he got made King, 'cos no other bugger could do it. Anyway, he built this castle. Well, HE probably didn't, 'cos he was the King, but his slaves or somebody built this castle, and he lived in it, with his wife. I've forgotten what she was called. The Queen, probably. Anyway, they lived in this castle, and there were loads of knights there as well. You know, with the armour. Anyway, all these knights go off with King Arthur to find this grail, but they can't find it, 'cos they don't know where it is, and one of the knights ends up getting off with the kings missus, whatever she's called. Oh yeah, and there's this wizard. I can't remember what he does. I think he chucks the sword in a river." "In Nottingham, ages ago, there was this nasty Sheriff, like in cowboy films, and all the goodies lived in a forest, so he couldn't get them." "In the olden days there was this thing called a 'hobbit' that was about three foot tall and lived underground, and one day all these dwarves and wizards just turned up out of nowhere and dragged it off to help them rob some treasure off this dragon. Anyway, they end up doing loads of fighting with all these trolls and aliens and gollums and things, and they end up in this forest, and they have to fight Robin Hood, and they end up all getting killed." "Hundreds and hundreds of years ago, in Africa, there was this little kid called Jack, and he lived in this hut with his granny, and they never had any food, because they couldn't be arsed to go out and buy any. Anyway, one day they find this cow, and Jack's granny tells him to go off and sell it, to get some beer money. So off he goes, with this cow on a lead, and he ends up at this market, but nobody wants to buy his cow, because they've all got one already. So he's just about to go home when this bloke pops up out of nowhere and says he'll swap these small, brightly coloured beans for the cow, so Jack says alright then, 'cos he must have thought they were drugs or summat. Anyway, he gets back home with these beans, and his granny beats him up, 'cos the cow was worth about fifty quid probably, and that was a lot of money in them days. And the next morning, when he regains consciousness, Jack looks out of the window, and there's this bloody great beanstalk in the back yard, because his granny's been and chucked the beans out of the window, and they've grown really really fast, while no-one's been looking. So Jack decides to climb up the beanstalk, for some reason, and when he gets to the top he ends up on this cloud, and there's loads of treasure, so he robs it and legs it back down the beanstalk. But this big giant comes down after him, 'cos it was his treasure, and Jack's dead scared, so he chops off the giants head with an axe. And after that Jack shows his granny all the treasure, and they're both really happy, because the treasure's worth millions of pounds, so Jack goes off to sell it, and comes back with some brightly coloured beans, so his granny kills him." "Once upon a time, millions of years ago, there lived this bird called Rapunzel, and she had really long hair. Anyway, she lived next door to this old witch, who really hated her, because she'd got long hair, and the witch was bald. So one day this witch goes and kidnaps Rapunzel, while she's not looking, and drives her off into the middle of the desert. And she sticks her in this room at the top of this really high tower, and then bricks the door up so she can't get down. Anyway, Rapunzel's really annoyed, but suddenly this Prince drives past, and he sees her stuck up this tower, so he stops and goes to rescue her, like. But when he gets there he sees there isn't a door, so he's just about to drive off, when Rapunzel chucks her hair out of the window, and it reaches right down to the floor. So the Prince thinks, this looks a bit good, like, and he climbs up her hair, but when he gets to the top it's really the witch with a wig on, and she shoots him. So Rapunzel never got rescued, and she's still there today." "Once upon a time there was this American bird who did sooth-saying and that, so her dad beat the crap out of her and killed her boyfriend and everyone lived happily ever after." |
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