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We are just receiving reports that all known schools in the West Humberside area have been shut down and left, following an outbreak of Pek. The Pek was discovered in a small shed in the kitchens of St Mandy's Girls School for boys, where it is believed that without decisive action being taken, it may have entered the human food chain by about lunchtime. Following the discovery, the building was evacuated from a safe distance, then repeatedly demolished as a safety precaution. By this time, the Pek had been sealed in lead lined containers, and safely removed from the area by puffs in spacesuits. But how dangerous is Pek? According to the Oxford Dictionary, Pek is "a highly contagious pork by-product composed primarily of smashed-up pig minds." Endemic in "Crazy Cuts" stores in the 1970s, Pek was believed to have been completely eradicated by the early 80s, thanks primarily to an internationally agreed treaty which sought to limit the proliferation of nasty rammy meaty stuff. The same treaty also helped bring about substantial reductions in global spam levels. It is believed that the Humberside Pek is a highly virulent new strain, and rumours are beginning to circulate that it may be the result of a top secret military attempt to weaponise Pek, by cross breeding it with luncheon meat. Local officials, however, have sought to play down such rumours and allay the public's concerns. However, despite assurances from the parish council that there is no risk of cross-contamination, parents of pupils from neighbouring schools have reacted angrily, with many refusing to let their children attend classes until it has been scientifically proven that no other schools in the area have been affected by Pek. Which it has. We asked Deputy Prime Minister John Prescott to comment on the situation, but he just came out with his usual shit. |
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