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In an historical announcment at the LUREX computer show in California, software giants Microsoft revealed, for the first time, details of their eagerly awaited "Robo-cop 98" software package. The software, according to the press release, "utilises neural network technology to automate the process of pulling birds on the internet". Building on pioneering work by Alan Turing and Richard Hawkins, the system automatically scans the net for likely partners, then engages them in peurile banter about such subjects as what time it is where they are, what browser they are using and whether they like the X files. Based on a complex analysis of their responses to carefully structured questions, plus such variables as whether they are still on line after 30 seconds, the software assigns a "PPC" or "pull probability coefficient" to each potential lay. It then displays a list of the top ten, in what billionaire Microsoft supremo Bill Gates refers to as "a list". Results from early trials of the new software proved favourable, with 17 top Microsoft programmers almost getting laid, though Microsoft spokesperson Dwight Icenberger points out that it will be necessary for users to "devote considerable time to mastering the system's new user interface" before they can hope to get a shag out of it. |
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