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Following the recent announcement of their intention to privatise the positive integers greater than four, John Major's "government" brought their goal a step closer today, by naming Minister of Oppression, Sir Peginald Fast, as the man to be in charge of privatisation of the number six. Sir Peginald, who recently became the focus of a great deal of media attention over his involvement in the infamous "revolving goose scandal", and very little media attention at all over his "arbitrary culling of the under fifties" bill conveniently ignored calls for his resignation. "There was an incident involving myself and a revolving goose", he told reporters. "It was a mistake, and is something I now very much regret, but I have always voted Christian and attended a Conservative church, so I expect God will forgive me." "My wife and family are standing by me, and I now wish to forget all about the incident, and get on with the important business of amassing wealth as if nothing had happened." When asked about the plans to privatise the number six, Sir Peginald referred to the results of an independant survey by the government, which had concluded that the idea was "Really super", and he dismissed suggestions that the entire idea of privatising numbers was bloody stupid as "the rantings of a few lefty spongers who didn't go to public school". "The entire idea of privatising numbers is bloody stupid", claimed Jess Tate, Liberal Democrat spokesperson for Claiming Things. Ms Tate went on to describe how a Liberal government would scrap the plans, and use the money saved to buy Kit Kats for the homeless. "Or something", she added. We then asked Basil Rude, Shadow Minister for Being Like The Tories for his reaction to the plans. "These plans are bloody stupid", he told us. "A Labour government would scrap the whole idea, and instead invest heavily in the privatisation of three digit primes." "If Labour get elected, everything will be really super", he added. Meanwhile, Sir Peginald Fast has taken up his position as managing director of HEXACO™, one of six* private companies set up to promote and tax** use of the number six by the public. "Six is a great, British number", he told us. "And market research has shown it to be extremely popular with consumers. For instance, I have eight country homes, but I think it'd be much more preferable to have six***. "And seeing as I'm always right", he went on, "and anyone who says different is a moaning minnie, or a new age traveller or something, and therefore of no consequence, it must be true." Sir Peginald then left his office at 6 Downing Street, at six minutes past six. He drove six miles to a sixty six storey office block, where he met six business men in six suits. He then saw six seagulls on the street, Dancing to the funky beat, Six swordfish in a line, Having them a real good time, Six spacemen, way up high, In six spaceships in the sky, and Six spiders in a hat, Eating flies and getting fat. He then gave himself a 500 % pay rise and went home for tea. Footnotes * In real terms, that is. ** Mostly tax. The way it works is like this; Anyone owning six of something must pay tax to HEXACO™****. Of course, as other integers come into private ownership, the choice of the consumer will increase. They could, for instance, choose to pay tax to both TWOS COMPANY™ and FOUR-CORP™ instead, although this would mean arranging their belongings into the appropriately sized groups. The police will, of course, be given new powers/weapons to use against people who fail to group their belongings correctly. *** Sir Peginald Fast cannot count. **** Private companies will, of course, be able to tax anyone they choose, as long as they are run by fat rich men in suits, when the 1995 "Doing what the f**k we like" act becomes law. |
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